I'm not exactly thinking straight right now, y'know?
[ But he can't argue with logic either, it might not be romantic but that can come later. What he needs is this, when he's already had his feet swept from under him once blindly today and is still trying to pull himself together. ]
...I want to believe it, you should know that. But. [ He opens his voice to speak and it comes out cracked. Dry. ] Akamatsu-chan...
[ It's funny that the reason why he thinks there's a problem here isn't even the right one right now. Not specifically for what's going on at the moment, anyway. ]
...I did like her too. Still do like her, too. But... we didn't actually get to know each other that well before, and I'm not really the same person as I was when we met, anyway. We have a lot of things to work out. And either way, it's still true that I like you.
[ After he says that firmly one more time, he pauses. ]
But... there is something else important I need to tell you too. Before that, though... you should sit down. And I'll get you some water.
She isn't exactly the same person anymore either. [ It comes out mumbled though, takes a deep breath. He's exhausted. He's hungry but too anxious to keep anything down right now. Hopefully he doesn't realise how little he ate the past few days. ]
...But okay.
[ Maybe he doesn't sound fully convinced, but it's better than nothing. It's probably not going to help with what comes next. His legs feel locked when he tries to take a step forward, almost crumbling when he manages another step until he manages to shake it off to step over to the bed and perch on the edge. ]
[ His voice is obviously worried, but he just rises to walk to his small kitchen and pour Ouma a large glass of water, which he brings back and offers. ]
Here. Drink it all, and then... we'll talk about the rest.
[ Shuichi also climbs back on the bed, though he sits up against the headboard where he was reading earlier, giving Ouma space, even he still looks like he wants to hover nervously. ]
[ He doesn't look at him as he pushes himself back enough that he isn't right on the edge, but he does at least twist enough so that he doesn't have his back to him.
He'll regret it later, but things are weird enough already.
It's oddly quiet as he drinks the water too, his hands curled around the edge of the glass and try as he might, the surface of the glass is cracking a little under his fingertips. Not enough to seep all the way through, but there's definitely a surface damage to it now. ]
...Yeah. I'm glad... he's there for you too, anyway.
[ He takes a deep breath. ]
The other thing is... that Momota-kun and I are... dating, now. Ah... he knows about my feelings for you, though. I actually told him about that before I confessed...
[ That he can believe easily enough anyway. Shuichi had said he was glad about that before... That he had more than him--that Kaito and Hinasaki were there too.
But the rest he probably should have just let him put that glass down for first. His blood goes cold, glass shattering all the way through to the point where it just spills water on his lap and the bed. His hands don't even move, letting it tumble down because he's trying to keep up with everything.
Why is it all happening in one day?
His hands are probably cut in different places, but it's hard to register that when his emotions hurt enough already. ]
When did you...?
[ He probably isn't going to get the answer though, knowing Shuichi he'll be more alarmed by the mess he's made of his hands right now. ]
[ He's half aware of something being pressed into his hands, something soft? But his eyes are blurry and it takes a while to actually realise they're watering up.
He's too out of it to put pressure on anything, but at least Shuichi had pushed it into his hands enough to do something. ]
[ He returns before too long, anyway, with gauze and tape, and kneels on the floor in front of Ouma so he can get a better view of his hands. ]
Here, I can—
[ He notices, of course, that Ouma is clearly also upset, but for now the alarm of seeing his hands cut up overwhelms it, and he just goes to work, focused. He takes the towel back and properly dries the water and blood before laying gauze across each cut and wrapping it. It takes a couple minutes of quiet work before he's done and he releases a slow breath.
Then he moves to gather the glass, a bit of gauze wrapped around his own hand to be safe. ]
[ His fingers twitch slightly as Shuichi works, and it's oddly reminiscent of the time he cut himself with the knife trying to do the knife game. Instead of the feeling of warmth like last time, however, he just feels
tight? His chest feels really. Really. Tight. ]
Don't. [ His eyes are lowered to his hands, and really he doesn't care about that much. He can get it healed somewhere, maybe Akashi's actually improved on what he was trying to do a month ago and can heal cuts now. Who knows. But he doesn't want to look at Shuichi now so it's easier to keep his eyes fixed on that. ]
[ He throws all the glass away, and then comes back to sit on the bed. This time he sits closer to Ouma, even though he's even more unsure he wants it. ]
...Don't... don't run away, okay? I... really wanted to talk to you, these past few days. I mean, even before that, too.
You can cry, if you want. Or yell, or... whatever you want. But I want to be here for it.
[ His hands have clenched by the time he gets back, like maybe if his hands hurt the pain will stop him from being so foggy and be able to cope with this.
Maybe being out of it would be better. Being conscious of it he's able to semi-control his voice enough to keep it even. ]
But you didn't before that. I hadn't run away before the 14th, but you didn't. Unless it happened then, Saihara-chan? Tell me that's when it happened.
...No. It was a bit before then. I just wasn't sure... what to do. I wasn't sure how to handle it, and then there were other things going on... and I wondered, what if I was wrong about how you felt...?
It was your notes that made me decide I definitely had to do something, so... I guess you were braver than me. I just... didn't want to hurt you.
[ Said in a tone that is very aware of the painful irony, as he looks a Ouma's hands, and despite his hesitation he reaches out to touch them again. ]
[ A bit before then was how long exactly? A few days? A week? The entire month before? ]
I never lied about how I felt, Saihara-chan.
[ And while Shuichi's tone of voice is aware of how all of this sounds now, his own is ... disappointed? Dejected? Either way, it's stopped as hands touch his and his own are spasming. ]
I told you that I trusted you with all my heart, didn't I?
[ I trusted you with all my heart isn't the same as with my heart, but it's close enough. At least he's managed to blink back any tears by now, he's cried enough today already and it's hard to sink purely into tears when he is a little mad at them both as well. ]
[ The date was specified as 'ish', it is a mystery. ]
Yes, I know. But that's different than... seriously wanting to be with me, romantically. Or... um. Otherwise. And you know... I don't always have confidence in my observations. And I'm still learning, when it comes to you.
[ He holds Ouma's hands lightly in his so they don't clench again. ]
So I should have been more obvious, huh? [ Well, he was in the end. Nothing quite says "I like you" like a mirror of pink and purple post it notes in the shape of a heart with cute notes on them. ]
This isn't some weird revenge for me kissing your boyfriend is it?
[ Rather than sounding teasing though, it just sounds. Tired. ]
I don't mind that you kissed him at all, even if I wish he would have timed it a little bit better. But this isn't about that, right now. I just want to do it.
[ His eyes flicker up to his face at the firmness of the no, a little of the tension in him seeping out. He's still wound up, but it's better than it was. ]
I wanted you to the first time, y'know?
[ Slowly, his hands open up, permission granted. ]
[ He doesn't quite smile at that, but his face definitely brightens visibly. ]
Yeah. Sorry I took so long to get it.
[ He brings Ouma's hands to his lips to brush his fingertips. There aren't actually any cuts there. Then he moves to kiss his knuckles. He does drop some kisses lightly on the wrapped cuts, but mostly he appears to be intending to kiss every bit of bare skin left on his hands. ]
I-It's-- [ He tries to keep his voice even, for what it's worth. ] --fine.
[ But the kisses on his fingertips are enough to make his own face flush, tingles spreading from his fingertips to his toes. His breath feels off, but it's more because the feeling is pleasant rather than panic or anything like that. He doesn't look away, eyes on Shuichi's mouth the entire time, amazed that this is happening at all. ]
[ He finishes off his circuit at his fingertips again, kissing them a little more open-mouthed this time, so his tongue just brushes the pads of his fingers, before pulling back, his own face also red. ]
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[ But he can't argue with logic either, it might not be romantic but that can come later. What he needs is this, when he's already had his feet swept from under him once blindly today and is still trying to pull himself together. ]
...I want to believe it, you should know that. But. [ He opens his voice to speak and it comes out cracked. Dry. ] Akamatsu-chan...
[ It's funny that the reason why he thinks there's a problem here isn't even the right one right now. Not specifically for what's going on at the moment, anyway. ]
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[ He has to think about that a moment. ]
...I did like her too. Still do like her, too. But... we didn't actually get to know each other that well before, and I'm not really the same person as I was when we met, anyway. We have a lot of things to work out. And either way, it's still true that I like you.
[ After he says that firmly one more time, he pauses. ]
But... there is something else important I need to tell you too. Before that, though... you should sit down. And I'll get you some water.
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...But okay.
[ Maybe he doesn't sound fully convinced, but it's better than nothing. It's probably not going to help with what comes next. His legs feel locked when he tries to take a step forward, almost crumbling when he manages another step until he manages to shake it off to step over to the bed and perch on the edge. ]
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[ His voice is obviously worried, but he just rises to walk to his small kitchen and pour Ouma a large glass of water, which he brings back and offers. ]
Here. Drink it all, and then... we'll talk about the rest.
[ Shuichi also climbs back on the bed, though he sits up against the headboard where he was reading earlier, giving Ouma space, even he still looks like he wants to hover nervously. ]
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He'll regret it later, but things are weird enough already.
It's oddly quiet as he drinks the water too, his hands curled around the edge of the glass and try as he might, the surface of the glass is cracking a little under his fingertips. Not enough to seep all the way through, but there's definitely a surface damage to it now. ]
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...I'm sorry, this is a lot. It would be a lot anyway... I wish Momota-kun had let me talk to you first.
[ It's both an apology for how much stress he's clearly already under and an apology in advance for the next subject. ]
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When does he ever think anything through?
[ He's unaware of what's coming up though, because despite how much time he spends with him... Kaito has also not hinted upon this once either. ]
But I went there when I got back, I wasn't... [ He pauses. ] I wasn't ready to come here yet.
[ He still isn't ready. ]
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[ He takes a deep breath. ]
The other thing is... that Momota-kun and I are... dating, now. Ah... he knows about my feelings for you, though. I actually told him about that before I confessed...
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But the rest he probably should have just let him put that glass down for first. His blood goes cold, glass shattering all the way through to the point where it just spills water on his lap and the bed. His hands don't even move, letting it tumble down because he's trying to keep up with everything.
Why is it all happening in one day?
His hands are probably cut in different places, but it's hard to register that when his emotions hurt enough already. ]
When did you...?
[ He probably isn't going to get the answer though, knowing Shuichi he'll be more alarmed by the mess he's made of his hands right now. ]
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Ah—Ouma-ku—hang on, let me—
[ He crosses the space to the kitchen in a split second to grab a towel, which he presses into Ouma's hands. ]
Keep pressure on it while I get some bandages!
[ And then he hurries off to the bathroom. ]
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He's too out of it to put pressure on anything, but at least Shuichi had pushed it into his hands enough to do something. ]
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Here, I can—
[ He notices, of course, that Ouma is clearly also upset, but for now the alarm of seeing his hands cut up overwhelms it, and he just goes to work, focused. He takes the towel back and properly dries the water and blood before laying gauze across each cut and wrapping it. It takes a couple minutes of quiet work before he's done and he releases a slow breath.
Then he moves to gather the glass, a bit of gauze wrapped around his own hand to be safe. ]
...Sorry.
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tight? His chest feels really. Really. Tight. ]
Don't. [ His eyes are lowered to his hands, and really he doesn't care about that much. He can get it healed somewhere, maybe Akashi's actually improved on what he was trying to do a month ago and can heal cuts now. Who knows. But he doesn't want to look at Shuichi now so it's easier to keep his eyes fixed on that. ]
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...Don't... don't run away, okay? I... really wanted to talk to you, these past few days. I mean, even before that, too.
You can cry, if you want. Or yell, or... whatever you want. But I want to be here for it.
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Maybe being out of it would be better. Being conscious of it he's able to semi-control his voice enough to keep it even. ]
But you didn't before that. I hadn't run away before the 14th, but you didn't. Unless it happened then, Saihara-chan? Tell me that's when it happened.
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It was your notes that made me decide I definitely had to do something, so... I guess you were braver than me. I just... didn't want to hurt you.
[ Said in a tone that is very aware of the painful irony, as he looks a Ouma's hands, and despite his hesitation he reaches out to touch them again. ]
Don't hurt yourself more.
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I never lied about how I felt, Saihara-chan.
[ And while Shuichi's tone of voice is aware of how all of this sounds now, his own is ... disappointed? Dejected? Either way, it's stopped as hands touch his and his own are spasming. ]
I told you that I trusted you with all my heart, didn't I?
[ I trusted you with all my heart isn't the same as with my heart, but it's close enough. At least he's managed to blink back any tears by now, he's cried enough today already and it's hard to sink purely into tears when he is a little mad at them both as well. ]
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Yes, I know. But that's different than... seriously wanting to be with me, romantically. Or... um. Otherwise. And you know... I don't always have confidence in my observations. And I'm still learning, when it comes to you.
[ He holds Ouma's hands lightly in his so they don't clench again. ]
...Do you mind if... I kiss them better?
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So I should have been more obvious, huh? [ Well, he was in the end. Nothing quite says "I like you" like a mirror of pink and purple post it notes in the shape of a heart with cute notes on them. ]
This isn't some weird revenge for me kissing your boyfriend is it?
[ Rather than sounding teasing though, it just sounds. Tired. ]
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[ firmly. ]
I don't mind that you kissed him at all, even if I wish he would have timed it a little bit better. But this isn't about that, right now. I just want to do it.
But... I won't if you don't want me to.
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I wanted you to the first time, y'know?
[ Slowly, his hands open up, permission granted. ]
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Yeah. Sorry I took so long to get it.
[ He brings Ouma's hands to his lips to brush his fingertips. There aren't actually any cuts there. Then he moves to kiss his knuckles. He does drop some kisses lightly on the wrapped cuts, but mostly he appears to be intending to kiss every bit of bare skin left on his hands. ]
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[ But the kisses on his fingertips are enough to make his own face flush, tingles spreading from his fingertips to his toes. His breath feels off, but it's more because the feeling is pleasant rather than panic or anything like that. He doesn't look away, eyes on Shuichi's mouth the entire time, amazed that this is happening at all. ]
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B-Better...?
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I dunno, Saihara-chan... Maybe you'll have to do it one more time.
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*then ... this is what i get for tagging at dumb o clock
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