truthstranger | Nope's Peak Day 17 Post-Voting

I wish—

[ He breaks off, takes a deep breath, and tries to gather his thoughts to say things in a way that’s not repeating himself or just bawling. ]

...I’m not blaming myself. I just wish I could have supported you, somehow. You were always helping me.

[there's a slight amount of pressure on Shuichi's shoulder as Akira rests his hand there]

You did support me. Just by being my friend.

[just by talking to him now]

[ He finally looks over at him, blinking lingering tears away from his eyes. ]

But it still... ended up like this. You’re going to die, and you’re still—comforting me.

[ He swallows hard. ]

[he doesn't look away, even though those tears remind him of when Shuichi was crying over Erika earlier. back when Akira was trying his hardest not to let his guilt take over and spur him to confess right then and there, broken the knowledge that he had hurt someone he had considered a friend by. . . killing a mutual friend]

[takes in a deep breath, and lets it out slowly]

It's fine this way. [he means that] Maybe it's because I'm stubborn, or maybe it's because I'm idealistic.

But it's like I said earlier: I believe we'll see each other again. I don't think I'm down and out just yet.

Mm. Even if I believe you about that—

[ Which he clearly still doesn’t, really, even if he’s trying ]

Even if it all works out like you imagined, I don’t...

[ He hesitates again, not sure he wants to get into this even at this point, but— ]

I don’t... have a home to go back to, you know. It... never existed. I would rather you be alive, than—

[ His voice breaks. ]

—That’s selfish, though.

[shifts a bit so he's facing Shuichi now, reaching up to cup both of his cheeks in his hands, to tilt his head up and catch his gaze with his own. SORRY THIS IS SO INTIMATE!!]

Then you'll have the chance to make a new one.

That's why I made this choice.

[so everyone would be able to leave this place. alive, and with the choice to forge a new life wherever they chose]

[ He flushes when he meets his eyes, a wave of five different emotions hitting him at once, and his hand vaguely clutches at the edge of Akira’s shirt, not sure what to do but pretty sure he needs to be touching. ]

I... want to believe everything will work out like that. I do. But I don’t... trust them.

And you shouldn't.

[says the guy who made a devil's deal with them, who agreed to take a life in exchange for everyone's happy ending]

. . . there's a door on the fifth floor. I don't know where it leads, but I feel like it's important somehow. If you don't trust them, then pour your all into discovering the secrets of this place, all right? Take matters into your own hands, and create your own happy ending.

[sounds like advice Akira could've used before he. . . you know]

[ His hand closes slowly until it’s more like a death grip on Akira’s shirt. ]

I don’t know if I can do that either. But I’ll... figure things out. At least.

I think you can.

[said with the utmost amount of belief and faith in his voice]

You really are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, Shuichi.

...If that’s true, it’s only because I’ve had friends that helped me get stronger. People like you.

[he says to a Persona protag, whose bonds and connections literally make him stronger]

My strength comes from my friends, too. My Confidants. People like you.

But don't think that strength is gone just because I won't be physically around for a while. You can still write me letters-- and I can still post to Recyclr.

[ I mean, that is also more or less literally true of Danganronpa. ]

Mm. Maybe.

[ He’s still a little skeptical of communication with the dead, too. ]

I still wish... I could have been a person for you to actually confide in.

[also legit. Akira is obviously on the side of "I believe they're from the dead people."]

[there's a pause, and Akira finally drops his hands from Shuichi's cheeks, resting them back in his lap]

I'm-- [. . .]

I'm not. . . [gestures vaguely] Very good. At being powerless.

[ Shuichi still doesn’t drop his gaze, considering Akira for a while before he closes his eyes for a second. ]

...I don’t think anyone’s good at that. I think you’re... not used to it. Because usually you can help.

. . . yeah.

[he admits, a bit painfully]

There are a lot of injustices in the world. Back home, I had the power to fight against them. To steal the hearts of the corrupt, and give courage to the weak.

[he doesn't know how much Akechi has told Shuichi about the Phantom Thieves, so he doesn't get into the details of that]

Being here was like. . . [mmmm] It reminded me that without that power, I'm just. . . some unruly kid who hates authority. A kid who can't do anything to stop any of this, or help anyone.

...That’s not true. You don’t... have to have a magic power to help people. I mean— [ he almost laughs ] —I’m sure that... helps, but...

Even if this doesn’t work out... you’ve helped. I think... you’re really amazing, so...

[his gaze flickers down to his hands, and he idly turns one over so his palm is facing upwards, fingers slightly curled. he stares at it for a few seconds, expression falling, a flicker of the weakness he hardly ever shows to anyone except for a select few people appearing in his eyes]

Even after-- [he killed Erika? stabbed her in the back, like the trust she put in him by asking him to accompany her on killing night didn't matter?]

I'm not as amazing as you think I am. I knew I was throwing away ever principle for which I stood by killing her, and I still. . .

[. . .]

I thought that if that is what it took to give everyone a happy ending, then. . . better me with the blood on his hands than someone else.

But that thought was just selfish. Wasn't it?

...In this sort of situation... everyone does the best they can. Even if it's things they wouldn't normally think of doing. I know that better than anyone.

Maybe I don't think you made the best choice, but... there aren't any good answers. That's exactly... what they're trying to accomplish. Trying to make us believe that it's our choices that make us hurt. But it's not. It's their fault for putting us here.

And you've... been one of the few good things here. So.

[curls his hand into a fist and presses it against his forehead, doubling over slightly, shoulders hunched]

. . .

[he doesn't know what to say to that. to anything Shuichi has said that isn't a condemnation of his choices or what he did. so he just. . . stays quiet]

[ After a moment, Shuichi just leans sideways against him, shoulder against his, and doesn't say anything either. ]

[there's no hesitation before Akira leans into him in return. the silence stretches on for a few more seconds, before]

I don't get it.

[he doesn't. he doesn't at all]

. . . but thanks. For believing in me.

[ an almost-laugh, and then suddenly he’s speaking in a rush ]

I don’t get it either. I don’t understand... why anyone has to die. I don’t understand why I keep living through all this. Ultimately... it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. These are just motions they’re putting us through. The only thing that matters is our feelings for each other, and I...

[ His momentum breaks there, fumbling for the right words to say. ]

You... have been there for me, and I... wish you didn’t have to... go.

[that is a rush, and it's so much to take in at once. and if anything, that heartfelt admittance makes Akira realize exactly why Shuichi had a hard time believing his reassurances that they'd see each other again. because when all you can see in your future is death and more death, then letting go of someone you have in the present is almost impossible]

[he smiles a little, barely perceptible, and kind of sad]

. . . honestly. . .

I wish I didn't have to, too.

[ Tears well up in his eyes again, but he swallows and drops his head against Akira's shoulder in an ineffectual attempt to hide it. ]

Of course. No one wanted any of this.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject